This post is from a status I posted on Facebook 5 years ago. In rereading it today, I find it still relevant. A couple of things have changed since then – my “good friend” is no longer my friend, a fact that saddens me almost every day. The other is better news. I was able to locate Tracey and apologize to her directly. I try to think of these lessons on a regular basis to keep myself grounded.
This is related to my post from last year, in an indirect sort of way.
Be careful of those philosophical conversations!
I had a conversation with a good friend recently, and she asked a couple of questions that really made me think. I came up with answers right away, but strangely, after thinking about them for a couple of weeks I found that my answers remained the same.
Do you have any regrets?
The first was “If you could go back in time and change any one thing in your life, what would it be?”. The second was “Do you have any regrets?”
The answer to both questions was more or less the same. In general, the idea of changing something is not very attractive to me. In hindsight, there have been many events in my life which didn’t turn out the way that I would have preferred, and there have been times when things were just bad. No other way to look at it.
That being said, I wouldn’t be willing to change anything that might steer my life away from where I am now. I have two beautiful grandsons, my kids have grown into intelligent and responsible adults, I love my wife and my job. I would never voluntarily change any of that.
Not at my best
When I was in my early 20’s, I was kind of an asshole. Like many young men, I was self-centered, self-absorbed, and arrogant. I was very fond of alcohol, or as I like to call it, “bottled asshole”. I had a girlfriend who, for whatever reason, adored me. She didn’t have great self esteem and seemed to live in constant fear that I would break up with her.
I treated her like shit. For the better part of 4 years.
I wasn’t physically abusive, that’s not my thing – but it wasn’t uncommon for me to get drunk and start an argument just to watch her beg me not to leave. When I finally did break it off, I made it so ugly that there was no chance she would take me back – and still she wanted to.
Lessons
Ultimately, splitting up was the right decision – it wasn’t a healthy relationship for either of us.
What I hate is that I knew I was a bad person but I let myself continue.
That is what I regret, and that is the one thing that I would change, if I had the opportunity.
I regret that I didn’t step up and be a better human. She deserved better from me – and so did I.
If I could change one thing, I would go back and treat Tracey better. It is really that simple.
My Karma is that not only do I not get to change history, I don’t even get to apologize. It has been more than 25 years and I am still wrong.
Those are the lessons that I take away.
Photo by gcalsa 
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